Sales 101: Why the Christian God is probably the real devil.
I am about to share with you the trade secrets of door-to-door salespeople, imparted to me when I was working as one. And then I am going to break down how the Christian God uses each of these. Roommate and I figured all these out last summer.
(A note in advance: I am purposely using “God” and not “YHWH” or “Allah” because I was not raised in Judaism or Islam and do not know how their interpretations of this god stacks up against Christianity’s.)
The Four Impulse Factors:
- Jones Effect: People want what other people have.
- Indifference: Stepping back, pretending it doesn’t matter to you, lets up the pressure on the person you’re selling to.
- Sense of Urgency: “This deal is only good today.”
- Fear of Loss: Closely related to SOU, but is more like “This deal is only good through me.”
Now, let’s take a look at how the Christian God uses each of these:
- Jones: Look at your nearest megachurch. Look at the believers and how at peace they are.
- Indifference: God ain’t too well-known for this one, but Jesus had some shades of this.
- Sense of Urgency: If you die, it’s all over.
- Fear of Loss: You can only get this by following the One True God. Any other God doesn’t have the power to get you into Heaven.
And some other sales techniques that this particular God uses in spades:
- Creating a Problem: You know the TV commercials that are like “Only we can give you [x] and this other company sucks because they don’t have [x]”? Who the fuck looked at a DVR that can manage four shows at once and thought “You know what we need? A few more shows”? No one, that’s who. But DirecTV came out with a response to that imagined need. Now let’s take a look at God’s method. Sin as it is understood in Christianity doesn’t appear in any other major religions. No one sacrificed themselves to save the Buddhists from sin because that’s not a problem in Buddhism. But in Christianity, it’s apparently the biggest problem around.
- Ignoring the “No Soliciting” signs: In a literal sense, every door-to-door salesman does this. And we’re trained to pretend we didn’t see it. In the more figurative sense, evangelicals are trained to ignore every time you say “no”, every piece of jewelry you wear for another god, and every other sign that you’re legitimately not interested.
There are other things that Roommate and I discussed, but they’re not coming to mind right now.
But now you’re saying “Wait a minute, Fumbles. Just because God is a tempter doesn’t make him the Devil, right?” Well… no. Because according to Christianity, SATAN is the great tempter. And as Roommate and I pointed out, we have never met someone who tried to tempt us as much as the Christian God.